Puh. Mein Weg. Teilweise schmerzhaft.
- MySelf
- Dec 13, 2016
- 5 min read
Geschrieben im Dezember 2016 als eine Reihe von Facebook Posts.
Nun im Februar 2021 auf diese Seite gehoben.
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Der Satz zum Text:
"Es geht mir sehr gut. Es geht mir sehr schlecht."
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Warum der Text es hierher geschafft hat?
Nun ja. Gehört hier irgendwie hin. Auch wenn es mich etwas zwickt,
Teil meines Weges. Habe ich gerade erst meiner Großen erklärt. Wir sind alle auf einem Weg...
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Intro
Ok, here I go again. Here it goes again, to be precise.
For you, dear fellow travellers? Hmm, rather for me, but be my guest, if you feel like it. Take away what you like, leave the rest, may be another time, may be never. All good.
Me? En ensame vandrare. I translated it for Paulina and kissed her hand. “We all are.” P. said in March to me. Then it started. The transformation. And I walked away from P.
Me? I don’t know. I said last Saturday.
“Ein charmanter lustiger Freak.” The answer was.
And I started walking. Walked and danced around happy as myself.
Does it matter for who this text is? Not really.
What's on, by the way? Anna von Hausswolff. Discovery. Intense. Beautiful. Sad. Hopeful.
Haiku style, I wish this text was. Koan style, I hope this text is. No style, I accept this text is.
My style? Jack of all trades, master of none. I like. Life = short <> perfection Back then - Math 1 pt Now - I like.
"Life"? “Short”? Pffff...! Is "tomato soup" in cans really tomato soup. That is no question.
What would Susanne Cook-Greuter say? Please, stop using those unnecessary ‘”’! “Enough of your inner conflict around existential paradoxes, the habits of the mind and heart and intrinsic problems with language and meaning making in the discursive mode. Try to more and more accept the paradox and ambiguity, commit to serve yourself and others with humility in the face of our existential predicament as mortals. Mortals which need maps and yearn to matter and make a difference.”
You want it easier? “The map is not the territory”
Ok, the tricky part is over, let's begin. And Anna von Hausswolff continues with her music from “The Miraculous”.
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The first question:
What did I "learn" or in which ways did I "grow" in the latest 24 hr episode of Berlin?
Berlin? Really? Again? Berlin. For real. Again. The other side. The other shore.
So what? Celebration of life and infinite joy.
So really what, please? Controlled madness, free dancing, connected souls. Finding and being myself. Again, all over.
So where? Berghain.
[Now some sugar for my good old ego, a description, no question, because I don’t care about the answer and I don’t want to hear about how, when and why anybody got in while somebody did not: This body and mind of mine are now "approved" by Sven Marquart. 1 year. 7 out of 7. Every line. Every time.]
So what bothers you? My Ego My words above That selectors are required to ensure a homogeneous floating mass of individuals Elements, this world needs, in order to remain its current state. What a pity state it is. What a pity statement it is, to be “happy” if one human "approves" another human. Enough.
So are we done with the ego? At the moment, yes. The sky is mostly clear. The clouds are few and rather easy to shush away or to watch evolve in quiet harmony. The sun is shining from its very peak, bright, warm, blissful. The view from the mountain top brings much joy and beautiful new views. Anna von Hausswolff integrates again so beautifully: Come wander with me/ Deliverance For me, there is no “But” For me, there is no “I” For me, there is no “never” But for me, there is only “free”
Do you also see the valleys? Yes, they are there but full of light. Quiet, fruity green, peaceful, warm, happy on its own accords. Just another place to call home and to return to from time to time. More a retreat, than something to avoid coming to.
Anna von Hausswolff singt ganz sanft dazu: Stranger. Wie im März. Im Berghain. Die Rückkehr zur Quelle, es beginnt, die Muttersprache zeigt es an.
All must be there because all does have sense and all sense flows because only flow can live so all existence must live! Everywhere all the time Utopia – that which will never come. Somewhere for some time Utopia – that which already and always is.
Ta da.
Ein Punkt. Kein Fragezeichen. Kein Ausrufezeichen.
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The second question:
What do I like at the moment?
Breathe. In and Out. One after the other. One at a time. “The trick is to keep breathing.”
Being in meditation. With my two Sanghas. Dancing in the morning. Sitting in the evening. Living it in between.
Katharsis. I like writing.
“Not two” Know, understand, say it. “End the duality before it begins to unfold, even if it comes disguised as the bright light. When you feel love – say “Not two” because otherwise hate will sneak upon you from the shadows. When you attach yourself too strong to life – say “Not two” because otherwise your fear of death will grow in your shadows.”
Dance. Dance with total joy and an open heart.
Accept. Accept myself. Accept those bitter sweet paradoxes:
Learn. Learn from others in this way.
Learn more. Learn from others in that way.
Oh, Osho! You wise funny pity fool. My current ultimate paradox! A man who saw his ultimate truth with clarity and was able to put it into words. Not relevant to everyone but to some. To me. Still. Even after he demystified himself with his own words and actions. A man, who forgot his shadow and betrayed himself and his beautiful truth.
Auch ich habe einen Schatten, lebe mit ihm und will versuchen, ihn nicht zu vergessen.
Nun lieber mal was locker leicht fluffiges zum Ende: Großstadtgeflüster. Musik, meinem Alter angemessen Oh, ein Reh. Naja, ein Smiley.
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Die dritte Frage:
Alles gut?
Ja. Alles gut.
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Outro
Zeit für den Abspann dieses Kapitels? Ja, Bitte.
Zeit für ein musikalisches fettes Danke? Ja. So schön. So passend
Danke, Weiblichkeit. Wärme, Liebe, Stärke. Das, was ich liebe.
Danke, "meine" Familie. Mama. Papa. Schwester. Ihr habt mich "gemacht" und immer Euer Bestes gegeben, egal wie schwer es war, wie schwer es mit mir war. Es ist gut so.
Danke, T. "Meine" Frau. So häufig musste ich Dich schon um Verständnis und Verzeihen bitten. Ich wünsche mir, dass es davon nun weniger und mehr hiervon gibt: Keine Worte. Nur Liebe.
Danke, "meine" Kinder. Mit Euch begann mein Leben.
Danke für die Worte an mich: “Du bist ein charmanter lustiger Freak.” Das mag ich. Ich mag mich.
Danke, M. Mein Bruder. Dafür, dass wir uns auch ohne Worte und ohne Kontakt verstehen.
Danke, R.
Mir selbst. Dass Du nie aufgibst. Immer weiter machst. Dich immer weiter entwickeln willst. Immer weiter und immer wieder nach Deiner Gemeinschaft suchst. Versuchst, immer Liebe zu geben, auch wenn Du Angst davor hast.
Alles klar?
Ja, sichi, voll verstanden.
Ok, dann, keine Fragen mehr?
Niemals. Damit bin ich fertig. Ich bin komplett. Ich habe verstanden.
“Understanding is the ultimate illusion.”
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Nachtrag Februar 2021
Danke, dass ich da nicht mehr drin feststecke. Verdammtes Zeug.
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