Tears, fears and FUCKING buffalos everywhere!

I wanted to cry and so I did.

Tears of pain. A lot.

Tears of being touched by my past and the past and actions of my ancestors.

Tears of joy by looking into the face of an ancient goddess who had some fingers inside of me touching the sacred spot.

Tears of feeling the energies of the future burning a new vision of my path in life through my skull into my current existence. Yes, I can still feel how the top of my head was glowing hot. Having a super power is so exhausting sometimes.

The dark buffalo

It was also about FUCKING time that I killed that big dark heavy half rotten Buffalo.

It has kept me down and guilty for too long:

The father of my father and what he did in the war and what that did to him and his family after the war. So much pain. So much urgent need in me to be my family's and the worlds savior.

I don't want to be your savior anymore!

I have enough buffalos in my own life to kill.

And that doesn't mean that I am not acting in the future with the clear intention of creating the best possible world with all of my actions or stop feeling empathy.

But I will not take in all of humanity's pain anymore and attach my own well-being to it.

The generational guilt and ultimate trauma: it's a trap. It cannot be fixed.

I used it just as an excuse to not move on and into a place of feeling and practicing the power that roams inside of me since such a long time.

"Make yourself big, as big as you can. And then fuck those limits, get even bigger."

Thank you F.F. for planting that seed inside of me.

I used my sharing in the circle on that Thursday to kill my darkest buffalo and errect a big beautiful tombstone engraved with the words:

I love you, my dear buffalo.

But that's it.

R.I.P.

And now my self discipline is asked in order to not keep my buffalo alive and follow those "lovely" old ways in my brain. I will not allow me to walk those ways anymore and time will make them disappear more and more. Ahhhh... Let's take a breath into that ;-)

The bright white buffalo

And now... my big bright white buffalo which doesn't want to be exposed to the light because he knows that it would transform into a beautiful butterfly and carry me to a place high in the sky where I am scared to live my life.

It's so high up there and I fear to be alone there and I fear I am not worth it and am not that special to be up there...

Do I really want to put this out into the world?

Yes.

Because it is alive so much in me.

It has to come out eventually.

And so it begins...

"Mother nature is what selects" and so mother nature did the selection for the sacred spot ritual.

F.M.C. and me both wanted to do the ritual together and had a short talk on that previously to the selection process. And so we joined our manifestation powers and made it happen.

Nice.

3 pictures have stayed with me from the sacred spot ritual:

• T.D.H. and our connection back then in good old M. which ended so painful for me

• Looking into the face of F.M.C. during the ritual and just seeing an ancient goddess

• My joy of holding my feet up high in the sky (with two fingers inside of me). YES, that's me!

That whole week was a reminder of something I noticed some years ago:

"I am not a man to whom things happen but a man who makes things happen."

I guess that is one of my biggest takeaways from my very first touch with the ISTA organism: I fucking love the shaman way so much!

My superpowers

So yesterday out of curiosity I checked out the ISTA Assistant Application for Living Level 1- October 4-10, 2022. One of the mandatory questions near the end of the questionnaire was: "What are your superpowers?".

Let's see:

• I am a time surfer and portal creator. I love to play with time and transfer energy through portals created by words, pictures, emotions, vibration, sound and breathing

• I am a dream stalker in my own kingdom of sleep and use my strong connection to the source to receive wise answers to questions concerning my own life (currently limited to myself)

• I am a wordsmith (at the moment I still prefer the written exchange which gives me more time to reflect) and love and aspire to communicate only the essence which is alive inside of me in a clean and loving way

• I am an alchemist of human energies and love to create networks of people and one-to-one connections for the common good

• I first feel my visions (being burnt from up above into my brain when it's getting so hot up there in my skull that I have to exhale deeply or break into manic laughter; something I want to avoid in the future) and then radiate those feelings into my life by acting like it already happened

• I transform myself into a container for a higher power which then draws in and creates the content itself. This means I pay attention to my deep voice, deep breath, smelling the surrounding, standing tall, shoulders back, with grounded feet, elegant and vibrating movements, feeling but not taking in the energies around me, present and soft eye gazing, listening carefully and talk less and less

• I know what it feels to be aligned and present and have my own daughters as my own guiding north star for creating the best possible world for them to live their life in

• I am just a mortal doing my own funny version of such old traditions and techniques. I like to have fun while doing it. I am enjoying the ride so much already.

Hmm, while I wrote this specific part the spotify shuffle modus played "The birth of a shaman". Well, I never heard that song before. So much for that...

Coming back to my week as ISTA Level 1.1 I am just so grateful to have met A., and our talks on what constitutes reality as we perceive it and what goes beyond explanation or let's put it better: what goes beyond our current possibilities to be explained with our current means and knowledge.

Just mere talking about X-rays before the enlightenment era would have resulted in being burnt alive.

Let's see what happens in that shaman field for me...

In 8 days my Taita W. will return to DD and I will journey together with him again.

And I look forward to creating my own altar following the four winds tradition.

It's about time.

Thank you.

Danke.

Whatever happens.